Colorless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously

Enough about that.

2009-02-23T07:35:00.000-08:00

I just needed to give a post to explain things, so that if I talk about Draven again, anyone reading will be like, oh, yeah, I know the story. But I don't enjoy explaining things.
I'm thinking I'm going to talk more about, let's see, GREEN IDEAS! And frugal ones.
And maybe some recipes. My life in general. It's not just about pregnancy and kids--but with this pregnancy, I've just had those things in my mind.
Also, my sister Mary is coming in two weeks! Yay! And WTF? I will be 36 weeks this week!
--I have no belly button.
--TMI!--I have developed hemorrhoids in the last day or two. Not from straining, I poop nearly daily, but just from the hormones and weight of the uterus and hello, two other kids were previously pushed out which gave me some then. They hurt really bad. Kept me awake last night, now I have to sit in a chair all fucking day, hurts to bend over. Kept thinking of shoving ice cubes up there last night.
--Baby is jamming himself betwixt my hip bones and it is uncomfortable.
--Cousin in law who lives nearby had baby 5 weeks ago, got to see and hold her, so so so sweet!!! I just can't wait to have ours in my arms.
--Desperately need to clean the bathroom. Found a tiny lizard skeleton yesterday. Mothers of boys, I'm sure you know how it got there. Bad enough all the sand that falls out of pockets and shoes and hair...Might have been worse to find a live lizard--would mean there was enough FOOD for it in there.
Bought an AWESOME stroller at local resale shop--I LOVE this place--get second hand fuzzibunz for like $5. The stroller is a Baby Trend Sit N Ride:

And this thing retails for between $119-$159. I got it for $79.00. It fits ANY baby car seat, and Muffin can sit or stand on the back. He can't wait to be able to use it. I think it is a great idea, and LOVE that I found it for such a great price!

Time wounds all heals...fourth pregnancy continued.

2009-02-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

I can't talk about this in depth. It still is too painful. Here is the summary. After losing my job, getting very sick with Pneumonia, I was raped by my neighbor's boyfriend, and evicted from my apartment. All in the space of two months. The rape was not violent, it was more that I realized his intentions but feared if I tried harder than just saying no, I don't want to do this, I'm not comfortable with this, but not over and over, and not, apparently, with any kind of force behind it would end up with me being held down or beaten or hurt--not just violated. I didn't push him away, he was much bigger than me, and at the moment it was happening, I was trying, trying to figure out what I'd done to make him think I WANTED that...and yet trying to deny that what he was doing was rape. He was just making me have sex with him, I thought. He wasn't being violent about it, or threatening to hurt me, so it wasn't REALLY rape, right? Yeah, a few hours later after talking to my therapist, she explained that non-consensual sex--in ANY form--was rape.
So I had a nervous breakdown, basically. I couldn't sleep, I barely ate, and my family didn't help. I finally begged my mother to take in Draven because I was convinced if I could not protect myself, then he wasn't safe with me.
I moved in with a friend--a woman I had worked with--who told me the same thing had happened to her...only she was 11 and it was her stepfather...
She pretty much saved me--I had no one else.
My mother...took in my son...brought him to me to spend weekends with me...then as months passed, she took him away to another state. I was still too messed up to stop her. I was seeing counselors when I could, trying to find medication that would let me sleep and leave the house without freaking out every time I saw a man (I would think, he knows he could make me have sex with him and I wouldn't even fight back) and time passed.
She explained to me that she couldn't get healthcare for him unless I appointed her temporary guardian of Draven. I told her I wasn't ever giving up my rights to him, I would be taking him back as soon as I was better, and I signed the document, had it notarized, and mailed it back to her. Not, as I should have, directly to the court.
She doctored it to read I wanted her to be his permanent guardian.
I did not find out for 4 years.
All through that time, she would talk me out of getting him--she has a degree in social services, she teaches psych 101, adn she is a master manipulator. And I, at that time, trusted her more than anyone else, and believed everything she told me.
I believed her when she told me, as a teen, that my father's therapist had told her he'd molested my oldest sister, and that he couldn't make a report, but could tell her, and that was the reason why my mother and father were getting a divorce. My sister believed our mother when she told her I told her our father had molested me, and not to ask me about it because I'd kill myself.
She told me I just didn't remember being molested, but that I was. When I was 7. And that my sister had been molested at age 17.
I was molested at age 7. Not by my father. By an older girl at school. I finally told the teachers and they told my mother.
She never spoke to me about it.
She never even told my father.
I thought for years they never told her.
My sister wasn't molested by our father at age 17. She was raped while visiting a friend at college.
For some reason, my mother decided it was our father who did this to us. And for many years, both my sister and myself were convinced we HAD been molested, and had just repressed it.
I also believed my mother when she told me she talked to angels and could see the future. That is how much of a hold she had on me.
So for her to say, you aren't ready to be a mom again, you need to do this and this first. Then I'll give him back, I would never stand in your way...
I did everything. I finally said, you know what? I'm ready. I am coming to get him. Should I rent a car or will you pick me up at the airport?
She replied, if you show up here, I will call the sheriff. You have no right to him.
I hired a lawyer.
After $25,000, 3 lawyers and two courts, the judge decided we'd have to go to trial, because it was my word against hers, and we were both telling such different stories. Hers was I'd abandoned him on her doorstep and disappeared, and she wasn't surprised as I was crazy and probably off sleeping around and doing drugs (Hey, I did that when I was 20. I stopped a year before I got pregnant with Draven--and I only did it for one year!) and that I never tried to see him or take him back before then. Also she said Draven had special needs--no, he'd never been diagnosed with anything, it was just not anything the doctors could figure out, but everyone agreed there was something. Probably due to me taking drugs while pregnant or him being premature (neither of which was accurate in any way!!)
The court was in her state (Florida) and it was easy for the court to send someone to look at her house and check up on her--nothing obvious to them--and they decided to just leave things as they were since Draven wasn't being abused or neglected (as far as they could tell), and that I could see him when I wanted to.

How is it she could lie and lie and lie and the courts just ate it up? Because she just has that affect on people. It's like she seems to believe it so thoroughly that she doesn't seem aware she's lying. And if you are convinced you are telling the truth, others will assume you are.

I will talk about her again sometime...and refer to Draven...but I don't think I'll go into any more depth on this. It still hurts--the wound keeps being opened. Not many know what it is like to have a child you birthed and nursed and comforted be taken from you.

It is worse when you see him again and realize you don't really know him, but you love him, and dammit, you like him so much and it hurts that you don't have in your life every day.

I need to stop now, this is too painful. I don't like to cry at work.

Well, What The FUCK.

2009-02-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

The ex emailed me.

I will continue the Draven story before addressing this.

I can't talk about the other thing right now.

2009-01-23T07:49:00.000-08:00

But I will tell you I am feeling very pregnant. I am 31 weeks, and really feeling like 12 years pregnant. To show you, here is a picture:
I am also feeling the "emotional instability" of the third trimester, and I am anemic, and I'm obsessing just a TINY bit--enough to take four days off of work and lie to my boss so I can shop for baby stuff and get a bunch of things set up. I really didn't care if I lost my job, and I didn't know how to explain this to my husband. I was also sure--really, really sure--the baby was just going to come out one of those days, even though I know he needs more time inside, and that me moving furniture and walking around the mall was a really great idea. I also took one day to spend with my son Muffin, and we went to the Austin Nature and Science Center, which is free and has animals and bones and a huge sand pit the kiddo can dig for dino bones in. The bones are life-sized and made of cement, and embedded in the cement floor under the sand, but he was so excited..."we are real paleontologists aren't we, mama"...he said as we brushed and dug with the provided tools...Then we went to the State Capitol and fed the very friendly squirrels some Cheerios from his lunch bag:
These animals are fed a lot by people, and come right up to you and eat out of your hand.
Then we went to Kerbey Lane and had pancakes for dinner, I had buttermilk and he had gingerbread, though he said they were "too spicy".

Pregnancy number 4, part two

2009-01-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

For Part One, click here.
The next morning saw him being circumcised and getting to nurse. He took to it quickly, and didn't want to stop. Visitors came, a few friends and my siblings. I called my dad, from whom I'd been estranged from for several years (more on this later), to tell him he had a new grandson. By the way, my son had a name, in fact, we'd picked it out right after finding out we were pregnant--to protect his privacy, I will give the "back-up" name we'd also picked--Draven--in place of his real one.
After we were discharged, Draven and I were picked up by my sister and driven home. I got settled in, and the ex was about to leave for work. He worked 11 to 11, four hours at Hot Topics and then eight at a restaurant in the kitchen. Afterwards he'd sometimes stop in at a pub (bar) he used to work at to get a Guinness and shot the sit with old friends.
That night he did a lot more. He came in at like 3 am, drunk, stumbling, got his pants down around his ankles before puking (promising to clean it up) and passing out. I took off his shoes, pants and cleaned up the puke. Keep in mind I'd just brought home a new baby.
Two weeks later, my mom flew up to see me. While I was pregnant, the ex and I had decided that once the baby was born, I'd move down to Texas, stay with my mom and brother, get a job, and an apartment, and then the ex would move down and join us. So the plan was, when my mom came up, I'd return with her.
Seemed easy, right?
Except my brother and a friend were renting the other bedroom in the two bedroom apartment my mother rented. She'd sold her condo in NH and was using the money for rent and other expenses, just working part-time because she'd had a few issues lately after a minor fender bender--a head injury that affected her memory and attention. Nothing really really major, but it was an adjustment for her.
So when Draven and I joined her, we got the second bedroom for a few weeks, and my brother and his friend had to sleep on the living room floor.
Then my mother decided since they were paying rent, and I wasn't, I should get the floor, and they the beds in the bedroom.
So from November to February, Draven and I slept on the floor of the living room, on a large unzipped sleeping bag with a full size comforter on top of us. I had to have it all folded and put away before 9 am or, once I started working, before work.
My mother agreed to watch Draven while I worked, and I signed on with a few temp agencies, hoping one would lead to a permanent position. I worked a few days here and there, lugging my breast pump and cold packs to and from the bathrooms every break and half of lunch. I got rides from my brother or my mother, sold my car which I'd left in NH, and still, I could not afford an apartment.
My brother and his friend soon found one for them, and in February, they moved out. I got an old box spring and mattress (twin size) from my mom's storage, and as I'd just started a longer term job, my new manager, who was about to have a baby herself, gave me a crib they'd been given by a friend, since they'd decided to buy a new one--she even drove me to pick it up!
That job lasted three months, then I was out of work again for about six weeks. But I got my income tax refund, and a settlement from a car accident 3 years before (minor one, but I had issues with my back spasming up for months after, and the lady's insurance company was VERY generous) so I was able to buy a used car, and some more work clothes.
I worked two more temp jobs until July, when I was hired as an administrative assistant by a firm working under a woman who was a friend of my mother's--it turned out she was NOT nice to work under, but I did my best. Then a spot FINALLY opened up at a local day care for Draven, and it seemed, all was set.
Except the ex. I could not contact him. The phone number was disconnected. He didn't reply to my letters. Nothing.
Within six months of working at this job, I was able to move into a one bedroom apartment. I had to, because my brother wanted to move back home, and my mother was still collecting child support for him, and she wasn't supposed to if he didn't live with her. I had also taken up with a guy, the first I'd slept with since the ex, since before Draven was born--it'd been about a year and a half since I'd had sex. My episiotomy scar hurt the first few times.
The guy let me borrow money from him, which I paid back, but I only was paid once a month, so I had a little lag between, to pay the security deposit and the rest of it...I told him I couldn't sleep with him once he loaned me money, I felt too weird, but he was fine with that, and we remained friends, but this time with no more benefits...
So a cousin donated an old dresser to me, and when my income tax refund came, I bought a futon and a dinette set, and my mother's friend gave me an old set of silverware and a comfy chair. My younger brother bought a washer and dryer from a neighbor who was moving and didn't want to take it, and gave me those.
I bought a set of dishes from Sears and one of my sisters sent me pots and pans for Christmas. I was set up this way.
The fridge was never full, and some dinners were just a can of beans, whole wheat noodles, and fruit, but we lived as best we could, Draven and I.
Before my washer and dryer were hooked up, I'd do laundry at my mom's...she insisted I buy her detergent as well as my own to make up for the increase in her water bill. To let you know how stingy she was, when my oldest sister and her husband and daughters, a few years before, had to stay with my mom for a few days after a fire in the condo next to theirs, my mother CHARGED THEM FOR TOILET PAPER, insisted they provide their own meals, and basically all they got for free was a roof over their heads for a few days.
I really couldn't afford to live on my own, as a single parent, but I didn't have anyone but my mother and brother to turn to. My brother helped a bit, but my mother was so stingy. I never went out--it was maybe three times in that period from birth that she watched Draven while I went out for a date. Even when I was living with her, I sprained my ankle when Draven was 6 months old, and stayed out of work one day--to rest--and she took to her bed that day, and refused to help me AT ALL because she was sick. I went back to work the next day, to rest.
I was never able to pay my electric bill, luckily it was very small, and barely afforded day care and rent and food.
I made friends with the girl who rented the apartment above mine, and occasionally she'd order a pizza and I'd take the baby monitor up to her place (the apts were directly on top of each other, right now my kitchen and bedroom are further away, separated only by doors and a small staircase.) and we'd hang out.
I also made friends with a coworker, who was about my age, with kids, and she and I would sometimes eat lunch together. An attorney I worked with would also occasionally have me order a pizza "to split" though he'd see I took home the leftovers and he always paid for it.
Everything was okay until that fall.
That's when the twin towers fell, and though there was no direct connection, my life fell to shit.

Pregnancy number 4-Boy, born 9/99--Part One.

2009-01-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

Please bear with me, this is not going to be one post. It will be several. And I don't want to write any of it, but I'm not going to keep it inside.

I had reunited with the ex, and we became pregnant within a month...For a day I considered abortion, but then I had a dream, with all sorts of people I knew coming to me, telling me to have this baby, that he was very special and very important. So that was it. I was scared, just 21 years old, no job, boyfriend worked a minimum wage job, we'd just moved into a studio apt. that is the size of my master bathroom now. But I was really excited to be pregnant. I wanted to be a mommy.
We told our families, well, I told my mom and one of my sisters, then my younger brother (note--he was 17, and the ONLY person who said "congratulations" to me. I know it was mostly because, in his mind, that's what you say when someone says they are pregnant, but he was the ONLY one, and I don't think he knew how much it meant to me.) Then I made my mother tell my oldest brother and sister...my oldest brother threw a fit like I was 14 years old getting knocked up. Everyone's reaction was, what are you going to do?
I was like, if I was going to "do" anything, I would have done it and not told you about the pregnancy!
My boyfriend (the ex) was okay at first...then informed me he couldn't deal with fatherhood. He'd had a severely fucked-up dad, and was terrified of becoming him, since he'd had no other example...He told me he'd stay with me and support me but once the baby arrived, he didn't know what he'd choose.
So I was basically informed I'd be dumped once the baby came.
I got a full time job, data entry, when I was 9 weeks along. Borrowed from my mom against my first month's pay to buy a used Volvo. Moved back in with mom and brother till they moved to Texas in June of that year (got pregnant in Jan), then moved back in with boyfriend--though I spent nearly half the week at his place anyway.
I woke up one morning, 37th week of pregnancy, with very faint but regular contractions, went to grocery store to buy Corn Pops, took a shower and shaved my legs...as I got out there was a trickle...then a little more. I woke him up at this point, and said, honey, I think my water's broken...I was squatting on the bed, naked at this point...he got up to pee, and I suddenly yelled, towell! Get me a towel! He hands me a hand towel and I'm yelling no! the bath towel! which I folded up under me.
I call the doctor's office--it's a bout 11:30 am--they are out to lunch, telling me to call back after 1 pm unless it was an emergency...my water had broken, this wasn't an emergency in my mind, so I just waited...called family to tell them...the ex asked if he had time to dye his hair (fire engine manic panic red devil's lock if you were wondering)...I told him go ahead...
One o'clock came, contractions weren't strong but were regular, I called dr.'s office and the nurse said, well you need to come in here so we can make sure your water really broke...I'm still naive, should have told her, I am sitting on two fucking towels that are drenched, lady, I KNOW it's broken.
So because I was told it is very dangerous to drive while in labor, I make the ex drive me. Except he doesn't have his license. And hadn't driven in two years. It was funny. Good thing we were very close to dr.'s office.
So they get me in a room, nurse tells me to undress from waist down, just as I lay back, another gush of fluid comes out, and she's like, oh, yeah, your water certainly broke, just go right to L&D (the hospital is basically next door) and oh, here's a maxi pad in case more fluid comes out.
I soak through the maxi on walk to L&D, arrive looking like I wet my pants, but hey, I'm in the right place for it...
My sister Mary meets me in my labor room, she's got a stuffed ostrich for me.
After changing into a gown, they hook me up, I have a very nice labor nurse. I had been positive for Group B Strep, so they have to induce me, since my contractions aren't really picking up. My other sister and her girlfriend arrive, as does the ex's mom.
I have a pretty smooth labor, getting a water-proof monitor and getting to sit in a tub for a long while, and finally, I start pushing--I have to push, I said, I'm sorry but I have to! I told the nurse, she was like, go ahead...She was wonderful. Finally he's crowning, she has me get off a birthing stool I was using and into the bed, then comes the doctor to catch him...Immediately they put him on my stomach, but he's just pooped himself and my first reaction is Yuck! But I'm very energized by the sense of relief from birthing him, and I push out the placenta, then sit up and ask the doctor if she really had to cut me...she looks shocked and says, you were starting to tear sideways.
I joke we want the placenta for a Halloween decoration...and soon I'm being stitched up (the needle hurt worse than being cut!) and the ex tells me he's leaving to get some sleep at home, everyone's left, and a woman comes in to give my son his first bath. They won't let me nurse him right away (my celexa isn't good for babies I guess) so someone else comes in and feeds him formula with a cup--so he will be less likely to have nipple confusion. They take me to my room, and by this time, it is after 2 am, and I sleep. He sleeps, too.
It was a wonderful birth, and I feel invincible after.

150 life experiences

2008-12-19T09:22:00.000-08:00

Bold the ones you've done.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink.
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula petted one, cared for it while it died...
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it Daily.
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment During sex. TMI! TMI! right after having, let's say, a vaginal expulsion of air. And laughing makes it worse!!!!
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can Daily. I'm a mom, remember?
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster I tried to like them. I hate them. I rode three.
35. Hit a home run Playing baseball with siblings and neighbor kids.
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking Daily.
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day It was a New York accent.
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states Not even close.
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced And had the same done for me.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign I stole a fallout shelter sign from one of my sister, who stole it from our older brother, who committed the felony in the first place.
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds They have to be alphabetized then sorted by date of album.
57. Pretended to be a superhero I have kids. I get to pretend to be different things all the time. Today alone I was a kitten, a baby, a skunk, a monster, and a tree.
58. Sung karaoke One of my sisters is way into this so I go with her. I sing Hotel California or Enter Sandman.
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking Daily.
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart Doubt it. They were probably glad to be rid of me.
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone just one. middle finger, playing basketball.
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours coming off of speed...also taking xanax and smoking pot...
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about You think people listen to me?
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating Just fish.
137. Skipped all your school reunions I've skipped my five-and ten-year reunions so far.
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head no, but other peoples'
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

Interview with a Sex Goddess!!

2008-12-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

I decided to interview Mary Brown, a Goddess with Athena's home novelties...She is also one of my sisters! This is educational folks, not just about sex sex sex...

Introduce yourself, please:

Let me tell you a little about me......

I have been married for about 7 yrs, I have 3 beautiful daughters, age 19 (step daughter), and twins, age 16. I have one dog, 3 cats, one ferret, one snake.

Growing up in the mid 70s to mid 80s, Sex was supposed to be for after marriage. Unfortunately, I was raped at age 17 while visiting a friend at a local college. At that point, sex became negative for me. I learned to close myself off and engaged in meaningless relationships, and not enjoy sex! Eventually, through lots of therapy, I emerged with a healthier sense of well being and a healthier outlook on sex. And now I research sex and I attend workshops regularly on sex education. I also really enjoy SEX and I want everyone (over 18!) to enjoy it themselves, with or without a partner!

1. Sex is fun. Is it good for me?

Yes, there are many healthy benefits of having sex. Hormones released during sex can help your mood, your skin and your general well being.

2. You are an Athena's Goddess. What do you do? Do you have a website?

I have been with Athenas for 4 yrs now. I love the fact that I have an official degree that names me as a "Goddess". That way if my husband gives me a hard time, I just pull it out and say:"I'm a Goddess, you are a mere mortal. Be gone with you!" My website is www.athenashn.com/701

I introduce many different products that Athenas carries during a live presentation in someone's home, or wherever. I've done parties in a bagel shop, at a camp ground and in a mansion.

One of the reason I decided to become a Goddess, was because I could also be a sex educator. Sex always interested me. People's reactions to it have varied based on culture, generation, religion. We are taught in school to use proper protection, guard against pregnancy, pretty much the message sent across is negative. Woman have been told throughout history that sex is dirty or wrong. I am trying to change that misconception, one party at a time! To let woman know, it is ok to touch yourself. I present all products tastefully and give suggestions on how to have a better sex life, with your partner or with yourself. Orgasms are good for you!

3. Do you just have parties for slutty 20-somethings with perky boobs? What kind of customers do you have?

I have many different customers! As long as they are over 18. My guest have been male, female, bi, lesbian, gay, heterosexual. The ages range from 18-72. The norm at my party is between 25-35, women.

4. Do you just sell dildos and sex toys? What if I invite my mother in law to a party? Is it all just sex sex sex that you talk about?

I sell relationship enhancement products. We have a wide range...and yes something even for your mother in law. We have very high quality spa products, nice fun romantic props, such as scented rose petals along with different items that buzz. We explain the different orgasms a woman or man can have and how to achieve them, using our products. We offer suggestions to add the spark back into a relationship that might be lacking it. Having the party with your friends and family opens up another means of communication and women feel more comfortable asking questions that they've always wondered about....and they also realize that they are "normal" based on experiences others might share.

5. Is sex MORE than just dicks and pussies and orgasms? Whatever do you mean?

Of course! We have many different erogenous zones on our body! Just gazing into your lovers eyes can cause chemicals reactions....our skin will flush...our heart beat quicken...even if you do not have an orgasm every time, sharing the passion with another person still can be rewarding. It is another bond of closeness.

6. Let's discuss sex toys. What kinds are there? Are they just for my pleasure, or do you have ones for my husband? What about things we can use together?

There are bullets, dildos, vibrators, sleeves, s and m, positioning....porn, the list goes on and on!
I have many different items for women, and quite a few for men and more for couples to share! We have the masturbation sleeves for men, however, they can definitely use a lot of our toys in various ways. Men like buzzing too! Have a party and I can explain how! The couples toys would be the penis rings, the positioning items and some of the romance enhancement items, such as games or the rose petals....massage candles are great too for couples!

7. What other things do you sell that could make my sex life as a married woman with children as exciting as it was when I was young and daring?

It is hard for woman when they have children to set time aside for sex. Often we are so tired, that we put sex on the back burner. Sex is too important to leave out of your life. Allow yourself to take time out for either self play or share with your husband when YOU want it...the idea here is to communicate that you do want sex, but at this point, it needs to be more on your schedule than his, especially if you are running around, chasing kids all day. Try to also plan a date out with your partner at least 2 times a month. Try little silly things, such as wearing no undies to dinner and letting him know halfway through the meal. Or pull over somewhere and JUST MAKE OUT....this is especially hot...and brings you back to your younger years..role play, experiment with toys and light s&m...sex is a very important part of a relationship and once it becomes negative for one partner, it does impact the entire relationship.

8. How should I clean my sex toys? If I get a yeast infection, do I have to burn them?

You should be cleaning your toys after every single "event" I recommend mighty tidy toy cleaner which is anti bacterial, and anti fungal. Some people say soap and water, the only issue with that is that the soap can wear down the quality of a toy and it does not take care of the fungus.....if you have a yeast infection, clean your toy with mighty tidy and you can use it again.

9. My husband says thank you again for the "Good Head." Will you explain what he means before people think you are blowing him?

hahahha, "Good Head" is wonderful way to help your male partner achieve a tingly, quick orgasm. I think its funny that people think that anyway. let them think you're a freak. who cares?? hahahha

I will explain here, it is something that can go on him and also in my mouth, and we use the cinnamon flavor...it makes him taste like candy to me, and he just loves it, as I'm sure most men would!

10. My doctor says it is safe for me to have sex all through my pregnancy. Can I use sex toys too?

Of course! Just keep them clean and no double dipping! Pick a hole and stay with it.
Orgasms are good for strengthening the PC muscle, which is used during delivery!

Thank you, Mary!

Cheap diapers and Muffin has a co-conspirator.

2008-12-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

I found a fantastic deal on AIOs, (All in one's, for those who don't know, are cover/diaper/liner/etc in one piece. Similar to disposables in shape. Great for daddies and babysitters) adorable and soft, and I can't wait to try them out. Check out Willowbuns. I got mine for $8!!! Brand new AIO for $8!! They normally cost about $20, you can find them at a range, but usually if you want to pay less than $10 apiece, you are looking at used ones. If that sounds pricey, consider the price of a pack of diapers that you will just throw away...and how many times you will use the AIO before the kid outgrows it...and if you have kids after that, they can use it too...
So Muffin had been getting curious...turns out he has a new little girlfriend. She's the new girl in class. And apparently, he's going to marry her, because "She lets me touch her private parts."
And it isn't just HIM, I think, he's not just cornering this girl and saying, let me. She's been asking him to. I think she's letting all the little boys do this.
So the other little girl he'd been "in love" with for months and months, they'd play together and hang out with each other every day...she gets dumped for the girl who puts out.
I didn't think I'd be dealing with this for at least another TEN years!!!
Anyway, when I found out, I asked the teachers to please keep an eye on them and not let them wander off alone together...behind the bike shed on the playground seems to be where they are out of the teacher's sight.
And this morning, I met the little girl and her mother on my way in...I told her mother I was Muffin's Mommy, and that he wanted to marry her...I said, oh, that's the new girlfriend...I did not say, oh that's the little hussy....!

Beware the 4 year old boy.

2008-11-25T07:28:00.000-08:00

Muffin is four years old, and has entered that stage I had been warned about.
("he's only a year old, but every time I change his diaper, his hand goes right down!" "just wait until he's four, giggle giggle")
First it was just undressing after using the potty, and running out yelling, "I'm Naked Penis Man!!"
Then I get a call from his day care. Apparently he's trying his hardest to discover what the girls have. And he's also letting everyone see what he has. He's also grabbed a girl's bottom while she was changing.
I talked to him about it.
"You need to stop trying to see your friend's private parts." I told him.
"Why?" he answered.
"Muffin, when you are a grown up, and you and {little girlfriend} get married, then you can see her naked all you want. Trust me, it'll be a lot more interesting then anyway."
"Mama," he says, quite seriously, "I think it's really interesting now."

I know at this age, it's more curiosity than anything, but what can I do? He doesn't have a sister so he's really never seen girl parts before. And it's not like I can go and ask his friend's moms if they'd let him have a look. I had a younger brother, we took baths together when I was 4 and 5, and he was 1 and 2. So I'd seen what boys had, it wasn't that interesting to me, because I saw it all the time.
So I found a book. It's called "Amazing you! Getting smart about your private parts" .
It has illustrations and explanations of boy parts and girl parts, and I think it is very age appropriate.
We bought it last night, and read it several times. I told him it is HIS book, he can look at it any time he wants to, and ask us any questions he has about it, and we will read it to him any time.

He of course, wanted to bring it to school.
"I want to show my friends about the vagina!" I tried to explain it is his friends' parents' job to talk to them about private parts.

I also told him the four rules about private parts:
1. You do not touch your private parts around other people.
2. You do not show your private parts to anyone.
3. You do not touch your friend's private parts.
4. You do not let anyone touch your private parts.

We are working very hard on these points with him, but he's such a shame-free child. Unfortunately, he could run into the wrong kind of adult who would take advantage of this. I don't want that. I want him to be proud of his body, and take pleasure in it, but in an appropriate manner. I want him to RESPECT his body, and his friends' bodies.
One of his teachers hadn't worked with this age group before, and the poor girl was shocked...she didn't know how to approach me. She talked to the director about it, and the director called me. Incidentally, one of the little girls whose pants he'd tried to pull down, was the director's daughter. Yeah. But she has a son a little older, so she knew what four year old boys are like. I knew, I'd baby sat my share, and they were the ones who'd try to open the door when you were peeing, or look under the stalls in the dressing rooms or bathrooms, or look up your skirt, or lift their mommy's skirts up.
As I put it to a friend, you tell them they can't do it, they wonder what the fuss is. You tell them they can't have candy, and they know that'sgreat, so perhaps we're just keeping something awesome secret.
Can't tell him it will be awesome someday, but right now, it's just not.

So now we will keep reading this book, and keep talking about the "Private Parts Rules", and hope it sinks in before he gets labeled the "preschool pervert".

More nesting

2008-11-18T10:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I've decided to give cloth diapers a go from as close to the start as I can without losing my mind, which means I am not ordering newborn sized covers but I did find a great deal on ProRap Classic Diaper Covers for about $4.50 each, and bought the small size, which fits 9-14 pounds. Seeing as Muffin was 9 1/2 pounds at birth, and this one appears to be 1 pound already at 21 weeks (most are 10 oz., I believe) I'm betting on jumbo size here. However, Muffin was only 18 lbs at one year, so though he started out large, he slimmed down.
I just ordered some infant size Prefold Chinese Bleached 100% cotton DSQ for about $9.00/dozen. These are good for the first few weeks, and I can use them for doublers when baby gets bigger.
I'm going to also have some vinyl plastic pants, pins and such as these are very cheap and easy to find. I'll also have a package of newborn disposables on hand for those nights when I need it.

It's a....headache.

2008-11-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

It appears we are expecting a healthy boy.
2/3 of women who have migraines will find they get better in pregnancy. Guess which group I fall into. And mine have these wonderful auras that strike me blind for several hours--kind of like staring at a light for a while, but it just gets worse.
I'm SO glad I talked to my OB on Friday about my migraine meds (maxalt) because she said it is ok to take--just not more than 3 doses in 24 hours. So Saturday I took two before I could see again, and the pain never came! Thank god for modern medicine.

Except.

Sunday night.

The aura returns.
I am out of my prescription, have one waiting to be filled, but it is 10:30 at night. Perhaps if I just go to sleep in my nice, dark, quiet, cool room, it will go away.

Doesn't matter if your eyes are closed. The aura is still there. It gets bigger and bigger and finally fades. Then comes the pain. By now, I've just fucked it all up--the maxalt might help, might not--need to take it before the pain comes--so when it gets to the point I cannot ignore it at all, I get up an take a Vicodin (also ok with OB as long as it is occasional) and I am able to sleep for a few hours.

My temples feel like they have been reattached with roofing nails today, but I am at work.
Problem is, I can take these meds on an "occasional" basis--if I need them every day, I can't do that. And the meds aren't doing their job if I am getting the same things the next day.

I don't know what to think... I'm going to wait this one out (it must pass eventually) and see if I get another in a week--weekly migraines would definitely mean talking to the doctor. Daily means I don't stop calling till I GET the doctor on phone.

Anyway. Thinking I should go home...which means boss will not be happy with me. She's never taken a sick day herself. But perhaps home and rest are what is needed.

Hubby's mad at me and I'm hormonal.

2008-10-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

Bread is mad at me because I didn't tell him his haircut was bad (he decided to trim the back himself and now he looks like forrest gump)...until he asked me.
Apparently, a co-worker commented on it and said, "didn't your wife notice?" Honestly, I noticed it Monday evening, and he asked me about it Tuesday morning. After noticing it, I thought:
1. How do I tell him in a nice way he gave himself a Forrest Gump haircut?
2. WTF is he thinking trying to cut the BACK of his hair
2a. with his beard trimmer
2b. without asking for any help
3. Does he KNOW it looks bad?
4. Should I just ignore it and figure this way he'll learn not to do it again?
and finally...
5. How long has it been this way before I finally noticed??

As you can see, after thinking all this, I decided to wait until I could think of a nice way to tell him (preferably on the way to the barber shop) and unfortunately...it came back and smacked me in the face.
So now he's calling me a liar.
Let me share my husband's definition of a liar: Anyone who says anything that isn't completely true.
On the surface, you can say, well, isn't that the proper definition?
No.
Then all fiction writers are actually liars. If you get mixed up or make a mistake you are a liar. If you are trying to protect someone's feelings with an appropriate social lie ("no, you do NOT look fat in that...") then you are a liar.
A lie, to me, and I don't think I'm the only one, is a statement presented as fact that is intended to hurt or mislead someone, to deceive them.
Or it can also be leaving out pertinent information intending to hurt or mislead someone.
The word that sums it all up for me is, INTENT. I was not intending to hurt him or trick him or mislead him. I was trying to figure out a diplomatic way to tell him he looked like shit.
But anyway, the coworker's remark that I should have told him, that hurt him. A lot. It was like a criticism of our marriage.
Geez. I'm pregnant, taking care of a four-year-old, working full-time, trying to stave off the depression I've dealt with my whole life, and he's upset I didn't tell him he looked stupid. I'm scheduling my life around when I can take naps. I lost my jury duty summons. I got a ticket for $687 in July that I still haven't paid. I am three payments behind on my student loan. I have three loads of laundry piled on the couch plus one in the dryer and one in the washer, and I don't know when they'll get taken care of (also one basket of towels I asked my husband to fold last Friday which he STILL HASN'T) and I'm sorry, but I don't have TIME or EVEN CARE that your hair looks stupid!!!!

Nesting, already.

2008-10-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

Let's see. I keep wanting to have everything ready, bag packed, and then I remember this baby isn't coming until March. And I don't want it out before then, I would like my baby fully baked, thank you very much.
But I need to make a list somewhere so I can refer to it. So here.
We have
a car seat (combination),
edited to add: a newborn car seat support
a crib,
crib mattress,
crib sheets,
bouncy seat,
high chair,
stroller,
baby toys,
cloth diapers,
edited to add: 10 small diaper covers
baby bath towels,
baby shampoo,
a sling.
We have
one 4 oz. Playtex bottle,
edited to add: one 8oz. Playtex bottle (thanks to a "gift bag" from Motherhood Maternity) and one Playtex bottle on the way from the Playtex company--check their website
and a package (unopened!) of stage one silicone nipples.
I have my boobs.
We have a breast pump (manual) only missing the valve thingie and the pumper--maybe $5 to replace new.
We have the converter that allows me to pump directly into the Playtex bottles.

So far the baby will have a place to sleep and something to eat, and a way to get home from the hospital.

We need clothes, though, and diapers. And I'd like a swing, one of the travel ones (less than $15 at local baby resale shop!) and some more bottles, so I can hand off a few feedings. I am like a cow, I make so much milk I really don't have to worry about my production. I can hand pump eight ounces in 20 minutes.
(And yet I still worry I'm not doing something right.)
I can't donate the extra milk, though, because no one else wants my Prozac-laced milk.
As for diapers, I want to do cloth. It would be so much easier if I knew how to sew. I have a machine. I've sewed things before (a skirt and many scrunchies) but somehow, I get lost and confused.
Take a class, everyone tells me. Um, hello, they cost about $150. I'm just trying to find someone who can teach me. I need to hang around the fabric store and make some friends who sew.
But cloth diapers, it's not all folding and pins and plastic pants anymore. It's liners and pockets and all-in-ones. It's velcro and snaps and PUL. And the folding and pins and plastic pants aren't all that difficult, trust me. I did it part-time for Muffin, from about 9 months to 17 months--at which time I went back to work and he went to daycare.
So I don't see it as extra work, I think it takes just as much time either way. But I'd like to do the "greener" thing. I need to work off some karma for using disposable bottle liners...

And don't let me forget to take baby nail clippers with me when I go to have this baby!!

2008-10-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

more animals

Sixth Pregnancy-He turned 4 yesterday!

2008-09-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

I should have written this yesterday, but here it is. Nearly five years ago, my husband (then my cohabiting living in sin boyfriend) and I were getting ready for Christmas. I was going to start a new job (as a nanny) in January, and so December was just a time to focus on family and friends.
I was on the mini-pill, a progesterone only pill, because the large doses of the combination pills made me depressed. The POP gave me migraines, but what can you do. The only problem with these pills was that you HAD to take them the same time every day. If you were more than two hours late, you were screwed.
So there we were, going to Christmas parties and family gatherings that lasted well into the night. Add in the time spent wrapping gifts, shopping, and the wine consumed at such gatherings...and many times I would realize it was much later than I thought.
My husband, who shall now be christened "Cornbread", used to set an alarm on his watch to remind me. But if I'd left my pills at home, I just had to wait to take them.
And then one night I forgot. And was too tired to get up and take one, albeit several hours too late. I figured, oh well, no one gets pregnant skipping one pill...
Unless you are on a low-dose pill.
One that doesn't ALWAYS suppress ovulation, but instead makes the cervix unfriendly and impassable.
And you'd taken it late a few times already that month.
Fast forward another month. I've started a nanny job for a fourth month old infant. I have no symptoms of pregnancy, but my period, which was early last month (low-dose pills aren't strong enough to regulate menstruation) doesn't show exactly four weeks after the last. I figure it'll arrive around the time of the month the one the month prior to the early one did.
It doesn't.
My brother had been out to "fix" my car, which meant after he finished I had to have it towed (leaking gasoline) to the repair shop. We are also looking for a new apartment since our lease will expire in a few months. Some friends are interested in subletting their apartment to us.
The day my car is released from the shop, I drive it home to run out of gas on the highway. I think something awful is wrong (forgetting it had been LEAKING GAS when I sent it to be fixed) and call the tow company. While waiting for Bread to pick me up, he gets a phone call that we won't get the friend's apartment.
That's two things. I figure, why not go ahead and take a pregnancy test to top it all off?
Previous to this, in our relationship, a pregnancy test was just a way to get my period to start. I would seriously pee on the stick, wipe, and find my period had started. Right. That. Minute. So I thought this might just happen again.
There we were, in the bathroom. It was positive.
"I knew it!" Cornbread declared. He still talks about how he knew before I did.
So, eight months later, I pushed out little "Cornbread Muffin", a boy, nine-fucking-pounds-eight-fucking-ounces. Damn right I had an epidural. Damn thing didn't do a thing for me!
Happy birthday, Cornbread Muffin.
If I feel like it, I may someday post the labor story.

My Second Pregnancy-1/98

2008-09-12T08:00:00.001-07:00

I've moved in with a friend, after spending a week in the nuthouse. I have a stitch in my wrist and three bottles of meds that make it hard to complete a coherent sentence. This is soon cleared up, and I get one thing for panic attacks and one thing for insomnia. I supplement this with plenty of marijuana and tobacco.
My friend, now roommate, is crazier than me. She's got about 6 diagnoses, and one of them is a personality disorder. She's also bi-polar, anorexic, PTSD, bulemic, anxiety disorder...Oh, and then they added dissociative disorder when she started having blackouts.
I've known her since I was 12.
She's decided to get pregnant. The fact she had a Depo-Provera shot two months prior doesn't dissuade her, and she has a guy (a drug dealer) she's sleeping with. Once a week I go to the store and get her pregnancy tests (she's too "embarrassed") and pick up cigarettes at the same time. I like the reaction I get from the clerk.
Our apartment becomes party central. It's also nicknamed the Whorehouse.
Her parents pay the rent and give her money once a month for food, gas, etc. My mother has agreed to give me $20 a week "until I get back on my feet"...Neither of us work, we're too unstable.
There are no sharp knives in this house.
We make a lot of friends, and I end up in bed with an old guy friend whom I'd known (and secretly loved) for years--we pull out and only do it a few times, but he has a girlfriend.
"I'm not having sex with her," he told me. "She's waiting for marriage."
We try but half the time if we get alone, we are all over each other. I try so hard not to fall in love with him again. I deny it to myself, tell myself it's just sex.
I meet an attractive, tall, skinny guy at a party, with long blond hair--like the ex. I end up going to bed with him--mostly to get over the ex, but also to "prove" I wasn't in love with the friend. We take up for a while, until his "focus" on me becomes uncomfortable.
He tells me one day, "I can cure you of your issues. I can heal you. But I won't unless you promise to never leave me."
Red flags...RED FLAGS...start popping up in my head. I break up with him. He comes back a few times calling me a "cold-hearted bitch".
A week later, I'm starting my period. It's really, really, painful. In fact, the cramps are coming quite regularly. I start timing them. Eventually, they are coming every few minutes, lasting a minute or two. At one point, I go into the bathroom.
When I wipe, something has come out of me.
It's bloody, and yellow, and definitely NOT a clot.
I call my roommate in and show her. She gets a baggie and we go to the ER.
The doctor finds more large clots, what he terms "pregnancy remains". He's confused, though, because I have no pregnancy hormones in my system. I'd also been in a week or so before, with a ruptured ovarian cyst (I thought my pelvis was broken or I had appendicitis or something--No, it was a cyst the size of an orange, rupturing and causing internal bleeding) and they'd tested for pregnancy then--negative.
The doctor thought perhaps it'd died a few weeks before and was just being passed, but he wouldn't know until they'd gotten the results back on the clots they'd taken.
For some reason, I didn't give the doctor the baggie.
After the doctor left, I put it into the "hazardous" wastebasket. I told it goodbye.
After that, my old friend and I didn't have sex anymore. He was great, though, even though it might not have been his, we talked about how we didn't want to take the chance of it happening, with neither of us ready to be parents. He also said, "I'd like to have a son some day named Jack."
I knew he would make an excellent father...and I wished for years that I would be the one to bear his children.
My husband was the only other man who evoked the same feelings in me as this old friend did.
Chances are, though, it was the other guy's. Then I was glad it was gone, he was really creepy. I started to get horrible stomach aches whenever he was around. Finally, he became entranced with a 16 year old girl. He was 26. He was sure it was true love. But at least he left me alone after that. Also, the girl's father was a green beret--I was sure she'd be fine.

12 weeks and one day

2008-09-12T07:13:00.000-07:00

I am still having food aversions, and I can't take my prenatal vitamins because they make me throw up. I jokingly asked my doctor, can't I just take Flintstones? and she surprised me by saying, well, yes, just take two, but you need to take a DHA supplement also.
So last night I stopped at CVS, which is having a BOGO sale on their store brand vitamins, and found some "gummy" vitamins and DHA supplements for kids...and they are also vegetarian! So I'm happy with that.
I go next week for the First Screen, where they measure the nucal fold (baby's neck) and take a finger stick of blood to check some other things. It's checking for Trisomy (Chromosomes that are tripled instead of in a pair) and Monosomies (chromosomes that are alone instead of in a pair) that aren't compatible with life outside the womb (or inside it for very long) or that may just require more care at birth. These babies frequently have severe cardiology issues.
I just want to make sure the baby's still there.

My Past, My Present.

2008-09-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

When I talk about my past, I seem to come across as either a victim or a slut. I guess that's how I viewed myself then. They were the only roles I knew--I stayed a virgin and was a victim (nobody likes me! everybody hates me!) as a teen, then later on became a slut (you were too cool to talk to me in high school, now I can fuck you!)
Since then I've grown up. I learned some boundaries. I started to associate more with people with boundaries. I really think a lot of it was just immaturity.

Now, I'm just a slut to my husband. I still sometimes react like a victim to things I haven't dealt with before, but usually I can recognize that and act like a responsible person. I still love certain "childish" things, and I think I'm a bit of a nerd, too. Occasionally I'm like a teenage boy in my sense of humor.

But I work in a rather conservative job, I have "mommy friends" and I'd rather sit and watch Robot Chicken than go out for happy hour (I'm pregnant now, so I can't drink anyway, but before then...). I've grown, changed, but there are certain things I will always enjoy.
1. Fart jokes
2. Penis jokes
3. Comic books
4. Being spanked
5. Legos
6. Pee-Wee Herman
7. Babies
8. Reading
9. Watching stupid movies
10. Animation

About that guy

2008-09-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

So, I need to tell you more about that guy. Why was I so in love with him? Simple: It was the sex. Well, not altogether. He was #4 for me, and I'd never had an orgasm. He gave me one. He made it his job, that he was going to give me one. I was as horny as a sixteen year old boy all the time anyway, so it shouldn't have been difficult, but somehow, it was.
I surprised him in many ways. One, I didn't mind his porn magazines. When I found the stash, he was like, Oh, those are my roommates'. I said, well, will they mind if I borrow them? I like porn. I don't like naked men in it (I like that in person better) and I am not shocked by fetishes--more fascinated. Also, I told him I'd love to have a threesome with another girl. I had never admitted that before but I'd always wanted to. We used to talk about who we'd do it with. I was able to be completely sexually open with him, and he with me. And I think that did it.
My other boyfriends hadn't been that way. The first, we were virgins, but old enough (I 18, he 21) to have some ideas...but we were too shy to talk about sex. There was no oral sex, no positions other than me on top or him on top. The second, he was a virgin, we did different positions and oral, but he was sure he was going to hell for having sex before marriage and told me so each time--really brought the mood down. (He got over it after we broke up, and eventually we had really great "ex sex"). I'd also cheated on him once with a hot guy who I figured might do it for me...but no, he didn't. We became good friends after that one night together, though.
So by and by, that guy gave me that reclusive "O"...and it was like a flood gate opening. I did it so easily now, that after he left me, I took on two lovers (not at the same time!) and although I had cared for one for years (we'd been friends since early high school) the other one I didn't really like--but really enjoyed the sex with.
In the months following, I started sleeping around.
I even started up with another girl. But I'll save that story for another time.

My first pregnancy-10/97

2008-09-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

The first time I became pregnant, it was all over much too soon. I had entered into a whirlwind romance with a man I had fallen--hard--for. We lived together (that is, I stayed at his apartment) for only a few weeks, but long enough for me to fall pregnant. He'd only broken up with his girlfriend six weeks before, and I'd left a boyfriend to be with him, but I thought, this is forever. I was pretty naive.
I didn't realize he and his girlfriend broke up on a regular basis.
The morning after my 20th birthday, I woke up to someone banging on the door. He'd left at 5:30 am, as usual, for work. He'd also taken his laundry to do after work. But to my surprise, his boss was at the door, demanding to see him.
She thought I was hiding him, covering for him, as I tried to explain he'd left for work two hours before. She yelled at me until she was sure I didn't know where he was, then left.
I went back to bed, taking two sleeping pills because I didn't know what to do. I had no idea where he was.
Hours later, his ex's mother called looking for her. So then, it became clear. They'd taken off together. I'd had no idea.
He called a few days later, told me he wanted to give her another chance, but it wasn't working out. He'd be home in a few days--apparently they'd driven across the country.
That night, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. The next time he called I told him. I don't think he believed me--his ex was always doing things like that so he figured I was doing it too.
Within a few days, I started spotting and cramping. My mother took me to the ER, they gave me the first pelvic exam I'd ever had (I'd been sexually active for only a year, I hadn't thought I needed to go yet) and determined I was pregnant, but it was too early to tell if it was viable or if I was miscarrying.
You may be wondering about birth control--I used condoms. Except this guy couldn't quite complete the act with a condom (his ex was on the pill, so they never used condoms) so we pulled out...most of the time...and I thought I ovulated right BEFORE I got my period instead of AFTER...so apparently my sex education was lacking.
I was told only to take Tylenol for the pain since it might be only a "threatened" miscarriage but the pain and spotting didn't stop. I had just started a job in a convenience store and had to take time off to rest.
During this, he called every so often. I was in tears each time, telling him what was happening. He called from California, from Vegas, promising to get home as soon as he could, but that she was driving...
Finally, one night, the blood stayed red and the pain grew worse and worse. I called teh doctor, and they said that I should go to the emergency room if I started hemorrhaging but otherwise, there was nothing they could do. They'd see me in a week to make sure I'd passed all of it.
I talked to him that night, crying about the pain...
When it was over, when I had finally stopped bleeding a week later, been to my checkup, he came home. He promised to be with me. He left again, a few days later, while I was at work. He slipped a note into my coat pocket to tell me. I read it while I was working the night shift. I left work. I locked the doors to the store but not the storeroom, which was broken into later that night. Needless to say, I lost that job.
I found out a year later that the girlfriend had stopped taking her pill before taking off with him. They were gone for two weeks. She got pregnant during that time.
He moved out of their apt. when she was 6 months along, but stayed with her otherwise. They had a baby girl.
He picked the middle name, the main character from a book I'd given him.

Ten Weeks Pregnant

2008-08-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

"Morning" sickness has passed for the most part. No actual vomiting, just nausea and food aversion. I think it only lasted three weeks, so perhaps I shouldn't complain too much, I know some of you are thinking, 3 weeks??? I could do that standing on my head--try 12 weeks vomiting at least twice a day!!
I'm grateful. I am.
My boobs are huge and I sometimes wish I could grab a baby to nurse to relieve the pressure in them, it feels like my milk's already let down some times, though no noticeable leakage so far.
I have to choose between eating and sleeping many times. I will have an hour to catch a nap--hooray I think!--then I get sooo hungry I have to go eat instead. And a bowl of cereal doesn't cut it. And I may need to eat with a spoon so I don't stick my fork in a person for getting between me and my food.
If only I could eat and sleep at the same time...
I've also got a sex drive. YAY! And I'm easily, let's say, pleased at this point, in fact I am pleased about three or four times each time now! It's great because my drive has been rather off in the last few years...