My Second Pregnancy-1/98

I've moved in with a friend, after spending a week in the nuthouse. I have a stitch in my wrist and three bottles of meds that make it hard to complete a coherent sentence. This is soon cleared up, and I get one thing for panic attacks and one thing for insomnia. I supplement this with plenty of marijuana and tobacco.
My friend, now roommate, is crazier than me. She's got about 6 diagnoses, and one of them is a personality disorder. She's also bi-polar, anorexic, PTSD, bulemic, anxiety disorder...Oh, and then they added dissociative disorder when she started having blackouts.
I've known her since I was 12.
She's decided to get pregnant. The fact she had a Depo-Provera shot two months prior doesn't dissuade her, and she has a guy (a drug dealer) she's sleeping with. Once a week I go to the store and get her pregnancy tests (she's too "embarrassed") and pick up cigarettes at the same time. I like the reaction I get from the clerk.
Our apartment becomes party central. It's also nicknamed the Whorehouse.
Her parents pay the rent and give her money once a month for food, gas, etc. My mother has agreed to give me $20 a week "until I get back on my feet"...Neither of us work, we're too unstable.
There are no sharp knives in this house.
We make a lot of friends, and I end up in bed with an old guy friend whom I'd known (and secretly loved) for years--we pull out and only do it a few times, but he has a girlfriend.
"I'm not having sex with her," he told me. "She's waiting for marriage."
We try but half the time if we get alone, we are all over each other. I try so hard not to fall in love with him again. I deny it to myself, tell myself it's just sex.
I meet an attractive, tall, skinny guy at a party, with long blond hair--like the ex. I end up going to bed with him--mostly to get over the ex, but also to "prove" I wasn't in love with the friend. We take up for a while, until his "focus" on me becomes uncomfortable.
He tells me one day, "I can cure you of your issues. I can heal you. But I won't unless you promise to never leave me."
Red flags...RED FLAGS...start popping up in my head. I break up with him. He comes back a few times calling me a "cold-hearted bitch".
A week later, I'm starting my period. It's really, really, painful. In fact, the cramps are coming quite regularly. I start timing them. Eventually, they are coming every few minutes, lasting a minute or two. At one point, I go into the bathroom.
When I wipe, something has come out of me.
It's bloody, and yellow, and definitely NOT a clot.
I call my roommate in and show her. She gets a baggie and we go to the ER.
The doctor finds more large clots, what he terms "pregnancy remains". He's confused, though, because I have no pregnancy hormones in my system. I'd also been in a week or so before, with a ruptured ovarian cyst (I thought my pelvis was broken or I had appendicitis or something--No, it was a cyst the size of an orange, rupturing and causing internal bleeding) and they'd tested for pregnancy then--negative.
The doctor thought perhaps it'd died a few weeks before and was just being passed, but he wouldn't know until they'd gotten the results back on the clots they'd taken.
For some reason, I didn't give the doctor the baggie.
After the doctor left, I put it into the "hazardous" wastebasket. I told it goodbye.
After that, my old friend and I didn't have sex anymore. He was great, though, even though it might not have been his, we talked about how we didn't want to take the chance of it happening, with neither of us ready to be parents. He also said, "I'd like to have a son some day named Jack."
I knew he would make an excellent father...and I wished for years that I would be the one to bear his children.
My husband was the only other man who evoked the same feelings in me as this old friend did.
Chances are, though, it was the other guy's. Then I was glad it was gone, he was really creepy. I started to get horrible stomach aches whenever he was around. Finally, he became entranced with a 16 year old girl. He was 26. He was sure it was true love. But at least he left me alone after that. Also, the girl's father was a green beret--I was sure she'd be fine.